Inside the weather, outside the system—an ongoing record of what it feels like to love through the storm.

⚠️ Content Advisory: This post contains strong language and emotionally intense material. Reader discretion advised.

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It’s 6:06 p.m. when I sat down to start this.

We’ve had a beautiful day of building—probably the best one so far. It started at 8 a.m. this morning. We still haven’t had a voice conversation since Friday, when he needed me and I had to work. But we’ve been texting consistently, and today… I don’t know if it was him being curious about “the littles” and “the teens” groups I learned about last night and had mentioned, or what it was exactly—but usually I could only ask one system-related question per day before he would go silent on me.

Today… today he was almost provoking me to ask.

And then I got the courage. I honestly didn’t expect an answer.

---

I asked:
What is the role of my husband? If I knew better, I could do better.
To protect everyone.
Everyone everyone? Inside and out?
To protect us all… in and out.
Damn.
Damn. That sure tf explains a lot!
Chief of security. This was his role in the “Organization” growing up… this is what he knew. Makes perfect sense.

I debated with myself. I was dying to ask this next question. I was scared because I knew it wouldn’t be answered, and the deal is: I can’t ask again when that happens.
But… it’s October 30. Tomorrow is a cycle day. So what do I have to lose?

I sat on that for a few minutes—my mind racing. This was making a whole lot of sense for why the persecutor acts the way he does, if this is true. I honestly never thought “my husband” was VIPER.
Protected by VIPER is what the system says quite often—he’s basically the head protector.

Here goes—

So he made that decision… by himself? To get married, I mean? Or was there “some” people in agreement?

Three minutes. I hear the ding. I just knew this was going to say “Is it cold outside?” or something like that.

I was wrong.

Most big decision is made as a collective.. can’t no one person run a machine. There’s levels to everything.

WOW. What does this really mean? It means the system took a vote—and majority said to marry me. This is huge. Quick, jump on the next question before the moment is gone.

Yea that’s what I thought but some folks try.. and fail. Was just getting confirmation.
So he can’t be the person who is scared of me then.. that wouldn’t make sense.

Then real life intruded—something that I do feel is symbolic in some weird way—but I don’t want to take away from this moment, so let me just put a pin in that.

An hour goes by and he says:

It’s something I need to do.. but ion know what it is… it’s glitching the shit out of me.
Does “corners” help? That was the last random word drop I got from him… just to see if it fits.
That’s why I need these headphones. Whatever it is… it’s got to be close.
Executive Decision.
??
It could be the shower.

Yup… that hit me as soon as he said it. It’s 12:30 in the afternoon and he’s still sitting still. Someone is trying to prevent him from doing something, seeing something, finding something.

I answer: Yup. Get in there, bae.

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My day really aint started yet.
You’ll find it there. That’s sabby mcsaborsen. Distraction.
Yea.
Damn. See. Everytime I hit something like that I feel dumb. I’m glad to see you do it too!
Some about taking my clothes off right now.
You’re gonna find something. Guarantee. Just do it.
No, I don’t feel like taking the motherfuckers off right now.
You’re NOT an “I don’t feel like it MFr.”
I don’t feel like taking my clothes off right now.
Yes. I heard that.

I can tell that’s P right there saying that… so now I’m trying to think: what to say, what to say. Ahhh yes…. coded language FOUND….
Gma said take a shower, not me. She said get in there now.

Yea, I’m finna get in there. I got a lot of shit to do today anyway I should’ve been up moving around already.
The day almost over, punkin.
To me, half of my day is gone. those texts crossed each other… tell me I don’t know my husband!
Exactly. I wish you could see my face.. but. How about you just start your day without a shower then… problem solved!
In such a way.
Bingo got action. There’s my energy!

---

Do you think the littles would wanna go to the game night? If yous think you might wanna try it, I will show you around a little bit and then I’ll sign yous up if yous want.
We’ll see, ma. You know how it is for us in a new room with new people.
I know.. but you also have never been in a room full of people like you before.
Ion know.
Well you know the goal anyway.
Ik ik. My goal is to bring my husband home if I’m being honest!

Four minutes pass—I was expecting either no response at all to that or the standard “we’re still building ma.”
But here comes miracle #3.

It’s shit you need to know about the system.
I wanna know it all. I will do what the fuck I’m told. But I’m also listening to my gut and not letting BS in the way again. “do what the fuck i’m/your told” is one of our phrases we use – it sounds abrasive but it has real meaning to us. It’s something we use with his brother as well. What I’m referring to with that second part is how I allowed P to trick me last year, by going against what I knew was right because I thought I was honoring my husbands request…. and I it was actually P in disguise. More on this whole disaster will come in convicDID eventually.
Ion know what that means.
Then it’s not for you.
System can be slowed down and shut down by anybody inside that motherfucker.
Yea I learned that a couple weeks ago. I think I tripped a shutdown last week actually. It was a good thing though, just wasn’t expecting it.
It will segregate and separate the shit out of everything in that motherfucker.
I’m a person with DID.
I have 42 personalities I think.

Until today, I’ve always been told that by P when he starts snappin about something (That there’s 42 of us)—but no one else has ever made mention of knowing this before this moment. Or…. is this P? I know he’s right here … but this conversation is so weird I don’t really know..

And I’m quite sure that 35 of the motherfuckers have been on vacation for about 8 days.
42 yes, that’s what I’ve always been told. But they can do that… or sometimes they fuse together… but. I also know that someone was gone since 2016 and they came back one year ago, yesterday. So, vacation CAN be long.
I’m in the park building by myself… do you remember when I said it’s busily quiet?
Yes.
They working on something.

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Backstory about the inner world: (And what i HOPE is the “something they are working on”)

After hearing Garden System talk about how she had to tear down some “not so good” houses and had replaced it with a Garden on a podcast a few days ago, I was desperate to find a way to suggest to him that next time he tears down his clubhouse—to rebuild it as something else. He’s always done a clubhouse. Maybe that’s the problem.

I decided I wanted to suggest a jail. He always tries to make his bedroom like a jail cell, and he’ll refer to it as “I’m going to cage into my cell.” It’s also where P always wants to go—but when they get there, he’s never around.

My thought was: if he built a prison, he could build everyone their own cell—a luxury cell, of course—and they’d be able to lock themselves in (no backdoors) and let themselves out whenever they wanted. That would be a security paradise. And it’s what he’s known since age 14. I thought of all the little intricacies that could help him be comfortable… and hopefully would let him see EXACTLY what I was trying to say,.I didn’t want him to think I was implying to put one jail cell … in the clubhouse.

He’s very institutionalized and needs that kind of structure. Until we got together, he would always get himself in trouble right away just to go to Seg. He wanted to be alone.

Since he knew he had DID the last time he was in, and actually did DID work for the first time during that stay, he checked himself into PC—where he could check himself out when he wanted. He learned so much about himself during those 13 months.

I was dealing with him giving me a commissary list, the littles changing it, and then him getting mad at me thinking I did it. It was an interesting turn of events—but it was all for good.

So my thought was: he needed to build a prison. With luxury cells.

Now… how do I tell him this?

I spent seven straight hours working on it with AI. It was quite the ordeal. But finally, we got it right—and just in time. Just for fun, go ahead and look at this picture really close and leave in the comments what details you see that you think may be intentional… and significant. I’ll wait awhile before I post a follow up answer on this.

It was 7 a.m. when I got a good morning text. I responded with:
Show this to the architect…

Ion know ma I think he a mean old guy… ion fuck around. That came through before he saw the picture.

Then he sees the picture—

He’ll see it.
He might like it… might not… just an idea.
It’s a thought babe. Don’t nothing beat a failure but a try.
Ain’t it man.
Indeed it is ma.

Return to today.

Yeah listening to the other podcasts I’ve been listening to I heard somebody’s story and I’ve been trying to share it with you somehow carefully. That’s what that blueprint was about. But it had to be looked at close. It’s a pretty big thing that I’ve been dying to tell you somehow. (2:01pm)
I damn near coughed my face off.(2:05pm)
For about eight days I’ve been staying away from familiar places and staying away from familiar faces—no chaos, just peace for me. I don’t need to talk. I don’t need to tell what my day’s been like no more. It’s been cool as fuck doing nothing, just following their lead and it seems to work for me.
Yes, pumpkin.
That’s why I’ve been put up—I walk where I want to go, I stay away from people depending on what created these forty-two motherfuckers.
Exactly. And BAE, you are in the place that most of them people are and you don’t even know it.
You gotta talk to him, punkin—he’s just hurt and feels left out. He’s actually not scary; he retreats fast if you hold your ground. But he’s jealous of you, and he’s going to stay in the way if you don’t fix it. And I have one last small thing to say about that, but I want to make sure it’s not being deleted first, so I’m gonna wait.

He here… he groovy… LMAO. The smile that just came across my face.
Just watching and listening, or interacting?
Bae, I can see this shit like a movie.
Whatever it is that causes y’all not to hear him when he’s on the mic causes something not to work between y’all—he don’t know about your meetings. That’s why he don’t go. He said if you wanted him there, you would have told him already.
He ain’t did shit and he knows it—that’s why he’s a sassy motherfucker.
And he’s all by himself—that’s all he has wanted though, punkin. He wants to be included.
Hell nah.
I always thought it was his choice to be on his own, till I started catching the tug of war—wait, that’s HIS line??? “I ain’t DID shit!” is something that one of them always says whenever he sees his daughter or any of his sisters, assuming he’s in trouble.

It’s like having kids and just keeping an eye on them.
It’s literally like that, Bae—they’re all younger than you, or,,, younger than the body at least. Caught myself… i don’t even know who I’m talking to anymore, so i can’t possibly know how old they are!
You gonna always miss something, but you let them know: I’m watching your motherfucking ass. When I first read this I immediately thought it weas P talking to me, now I’m not clear if it was “system/husband/whoever i been tallking to all day) and it was just oddly written…. but It really sounds like P to me honestly.
That’s OK—you can watch. Safety and security is the goal, and to have a voice.
Dude waiting on me to go get a beer.
Be careful. Seriously.
That’s probably how I caught pink eye—child neglect. That motherfucker know we ain’t got no motherfucking ID.
He don’t know—I bet he don’t know.
This is funny as hell, man.
I promise you, pumpkin, he doesn’t hear as much as you think. He misses a lot, just like you miss what he does.
He’s still pushing me towards the store.
I bet he doesn’t know you don’t have it.
That’s one motherfucking thing I know he ain’t missed. One thing he do know is somebody at that motherfucking store got an ID.
Is he the one that wants it, or does he just want you to drink so he can come out?
Oh, he got into it with the motherfucker about that ID shit—that’s why it’s so funny.
You know he don’t play.
Well, you need to watch him and the littles, ‘cause I’m pretty sure they don’t get along—I think they hate him. ‘Cause they stay telling on him. He misses a lot. That’s actually how I catch him the most, because he will say something or ask something that contradicts undisputable facts that he should know. For example, we could be on the phone for two hours and hang up—two minutes later my phone rang and you say I just woke up. That’s actually probably what it is—he sleeps all day ‘cause he’s up all night. So he doesn’t know what goes on when he’s sleeping and y’all are awake—‘cause he’s up all night, every night, when you’re in Kankakee. All night. Every night.
Well, he can’t fuck with the littles—they stay on his ass. You don’t fuck with them like that. They just got on his ass, called him goofy and shit. If it weren’t for us walking our goofy ass to the stove when the phone died, the mood didn’t even change.
Yeah, see? I told you they don’t like him ‘cause he does the worst shit. I told you to watch them—I knew there had to be tension. They don’t like the situations he puts you all in.
He got what the fuck he wanted—he’s good.
I don’t know, there’s more to it.
They be hating his ass, but they’re gonna ride or die for that motherfucker.

Maybe he won’t come out at night if he gets what he wants. Man, I’m telling you, I wish that you would listen to some of this shit — you’d be shocked. You think I’m lying about most of it.

For the most part he’s been good. There’s been nothing or nobody to upset him.
And that’s how things were when we had it set up here — when you first got up here and I didn’t see him for a long time. Then you said a bunch of shit one day — about not being a gangster anymore, about becoming a civilian, about him not having a job anymore. Ten minutes later his ass popped out and told Tyler Tyler is his Therapist how much y’all hate me. Tyler said, “Well, I’m sure some parts don’t feel that way.” And he said, “Yeah, only the Littles don’t. Everyone else hates her. ALL of us!”

I’m charging my phone on a pole.

He also says it’s not his job to protect anybody but himself. “That’s not my job.” verbatim. Is what he said about protecting ya’ll.
I’m reflecting on my life.
The Dixie Twins building with Fuck Boy. This is his way of saying the littles are building with P
I’m multitasking, that’s why I haven’t been calling. I wanted you to walk with me. Lucky I got earbuds, because it was a whole argument to the store. I kept putting the phone to my mouth so it could seem like I was talking to somebody.

Don’t forget you have court Wednesday — and the fitness evaluation right before that.
I don’t have much confidence in that process since he said he only needs five minutes in the courthouse. What a joke. Just add that to my list of things against Kankakee.

If one thing’s out of place, we freestyle from there. We don’t plan our days this week — in control of the whole environment.
But you said it has to be planned just right to be safe. Or was that…
Unless we’re in control of our whole environment.
But you never are down there, pumpkin. Not for a full twenty-four hours, at least. I’m referring to because he is in Illinois. Where he doesn’t have a home, and he has no GOOD consistent support, and triggers around every corner.

One wrong move, babe, can set these boys back years.
Exactly. That’s why… the blueprint.

So we don’t plan on nobody else’s time. A word simple as “no” can fuck something up.
Yeah, somebody used to always TRY to get me to say no.
I don’t miss when I’m in control.

Yeah, but how long do you stay in control? Has this been the same person talking to me today for the most part? I’ve seen random waves here and there, but the conversation that we’ve been having seems like there’s one — maybe two of you. I feel like two at the most.
I couldn’t tell you at the moment.

It’s getting cold.
It’s gonna be dark soon too, but you said it was going to be okay, right? Unless he left because they made him mad — he’s very delicate.
Yeah, hell yeah.
I told you, he retreats fast.
We’re not around bullshit.

For him, it’s not outside triggers — it’s inside. And it’s not even triggers really, it’s him wanting to do what he wants because he’s on his own. But I’m telling you. It’s straight pain. He has a lot locked up and he feels unappreciated for it. He probably sleeps someplace nobody else goes. He’s happy to keep your secrets, pumpkin — he just wants to be appreciated and respected for what he does. I’m not saying that this is a blame, in any way. I’m saying it ‘cause I know that you don’t know.

You let him miss the meetings because you think he doesn’t want to be there. He misses them because he’s sleeping and he doesn’t know about them — and then when he found out about them, he was hurt even more ‘cause he thought he wasn’t invited. It’s all a misunderstanding. And you’ll be telling me on him, and I be telling you on him… and he’s sitting there holding the worst secrets and not telling. So imagine.

I know I was bogus to him — and I was bogus on purpose. But I respected his wishes for a whole year. He pushed too far, I warned him at least. You can’t expect to receive respect from a person that you disrespect. That’s the long story short.

No. No and no, ma.
You can’t change my mind without an explanation on that one. Sorry — I give you ninety percent of stuff on your word, but not that one. I have seen too much.

This is a hell of a playlist. I got the attention span of a gnat right now.
I love you, ma.
I text that shit to Bone
LMAO — this nigga text back and said, “Pause, cuz!”
I love you more than that. You text him “I love you, ma?”
Hell yeah.
He had just texted and I sent that shit back — that’s some little shit.
Because as soon as I sent it, I knew I fucked up. That’s the second time I did that to him too.
I just wanted my mommy at that moment. I’m not saying I’m sorry, but I love you. WOAW. This is super random and not normal. What is he “not saying sorry” about?!

Well, that sounds more like an apology than anything you’ve ever said to me — and I’m scared to know what that means. But I love you more than is normal, that’s for sure.
I’m hearing shit I’m not supposed to hear.
Then you’re supposed to hear it, bae. Otherwise they wouldn’t let you.

It has nothing to do with us… but I knew it.
Can you tell me?
My tongue is locked. It’s weird.
Bae, that’s literally the blog I just sent you.
If I say anything…
You probably won’t remember it in a minute. Let’s test it. I’m gonna ask you about it in a few minutes — and if you know what I’m talking about and you remember, answer with a fruit. If you say anything to me other than naming a fruit, that means you don’t remember.
Not at all. Why wouldn’t I remember?
It’s on that blog I just sent you — hang on, I’ll find the spot… “It’s also a really classic push-pull…”
That was copy and paste — the good old push and pull.
The system is a motherfucker.
It is!!!
Mommy.
Yeah, baby.

“But then there’s this pivot. Some part might show up with humor, or fire, or both… and things shift. The urgency fades. The content evaporates. And it starts to feel like maybe it wasn’t actually that important after all.”

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I had copy and pasted that from Healing My Parts Blog
Oooooooooook.
How’s your day going, ma?
This is the quiet before the storm, ma?!?!!?!?
Uh oh. Yeah, I believe that actually — ‘cause of the date.
No.
So what, we’re built different?
Pumpkin, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It works if you work it. But… do you remember what you heard?

I call him — no answer.
I text: self talk — don’t panic, he’s good, he just got busy, or maybe he fell asleep. He’s going to call any minute though, don’t panic. Fuck.

Now it hits me. I scroll up and look at the texting style.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Yeeeeaaaa buddy…. I see you!!!
Then say that — I can speak without talking, mother.
Yeah, I know. You just told me to pay attention and I saw it.
I fix shit.
Do you remember what you heard?
Now what did you see, ma… because I felt and saw the switch.
He was texting me pretending to be you earlier.
It’s a very painful punkin.
I know — and I don’t want that.
It hurts bad.
But I also needed to stop. It has to stop.
I need a vacation, ma.
I know. Do you want me to cash in your ticket?
What is the purpose of hurting everyone? You can’t get nowhere that way. Come on. Push and pull.
Marcus?

It’s hard, lady. It’s not that easy.
Is it cold down there? I didn’t say it was easy. Focal point. It’s a perfect fall day here. But I think it’s colder down there.
No, but it’s almost dark. Give me a few minutes. Are you pushing? This is not my moment. Text focus and then focus again. Breathe — you got this. I have no issue. There is no issue. Let’s not turn this shit into something. Now I’m breathing. Babe, I think I did it.
I’m so thirsty. I want a giant glass of ice water. My only issue is that my pizza came with pepperoni on it.
You gotta double breathe — and then look at it. Then open your eyes and you will see it right there. Man, now stay focused lady — what’s the goal?
GTFH.
Then say less. I love you. Goodnight. (6:00 p.m.)
I love you.
I love you more than that, mama.
I’m right here. (6:02)
I love you and thank you. Fuck people — you have a husband, lady… and my day just got better. (6:06)
I know. I got the best husband on the planet.
Well mine got worse — and I was trapped in a staircase earlier.
Stay focused. You know what you got to do. (6:12)
That’s my most passionate voice.
Pumpkin, I can’t focus on me without you though. That’s the part you fail to realize. I’m focused — not on me, but I’m focused. (6:13)
I’m here, mother. (6:20)
How has your day been going?
I’m focused. Ion have to hold your hand, ma. What’s wrong? We’ll fix it together.
I don’t need my hand held. I just need your presence.
I need you more than you know… but we have to stay focused.
I’m caged, ma. (6:22)
Promise?
Everything is good. It don’t need insurance.
But yes, I promise. (6:24)
Pumpkin, we win. (7:29)
What did we win, bae? I hope the lottery.
No homo.
Fuck it.
No Diddy?
Only for whores.
What’s for whores?
Do we get an issue, pumpkin? And did we do anything wrong?
Absolutely not. Period. We are perfect AF.
Issues is a trigger.
I know, but we don’t have issues. We never do.

Pumpkin, no. Goodnight, mother. I am at work, lady. (7:37)

(7:38)
What is wrong, mother? (7:38)
Nothing at all. Why are you asking me that, baby? (7:38)
It’s dark, mother. (7:39)
Nothing is wrong. I love you and I miss your face. (7:39)
WIYI (What is your issue?) (7:39)
I don’t have one. I don’t understand. (7:39)
I love you. Goodnight. (7:40)
Then what is the matter at this moment, lady? (7:40)
NOTHING IS WRONG. (7:40)
Yes, babe. (7:41)
IDK if you are talking to the wrong person or what. I’m not even sounding like I’m upset?
GTFH. (7:42)
Bc. (Be careful.) (7:54)
Then get you some rest, ma. (7:58)
I’m busy. No rest, I need to. (7:59)

It’s now 9:10 p.m. I can only assume dude’s in control like he is every night.